tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post7163030862384806478..comments2023-05-19T08:00:28.652-07:00Comments on Beesleybuzz: First Page Contest and CritiqueAlicehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-2234174020453967732012-02-21T17:35:36.188-08:002012-02-21T17:35:36.188-08:00This was really captivating! Your descriptions are...This was really captivating! Your descriptions are beautiful and touch on so many sense, nicely done :) I did notice the word red twice, possibly switch the second usage in "glowing red eyes" to "glowing amber eyes" or something similar. Great job and good luck :)Hope Robersonhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16877380868985454894noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-79703543911414903002012-02-20T13:38:07.049-08:002012-02-20T13:38:07.049-08:00Thanks. Glad you liked it.Thanks. Glad you liked it.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-68971519288234408162012-02-20T12:21:50.187-08:002012-02-20T12:21:50.187-08:00Loved it, sorry I don't have any suggestions, ...Loved it, sorry I don't have any suggestions, though!Angela Quarleshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05290191681067967764noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-82441024368786885732012-02-20T09:38:45.576-08:002012-02-20T09:38:45.576-08:00This is amazing. You really capture the fear of a ...This is amazing. You really capture the fear of a hunter, and its sadness to kill. you capture the freeness and ferousousness of a savannah animal.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-4756457451103802492012-02-19T19:29:32.212-08:002012-02-19T19:29:32.212-08:00That makes sense. Thanks for the suggestions.That makes sense. Thanks for the suggestions.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-67998611297232866602012-02-19T09:11:40.182-08:002012-02-19T09:11:40.182-08:00There are some lovely descriptions in this first p...There are some lovely descriptions in this first page! I have to wonder though, would the MC really be thinking all this as she's staring down a cheetah? Shouldn't she be feeling panic or the skip of her own heart? And how does the MC know the cheetah doesn't want to kill her? If it's ears are flattened, it's growling, and it's about ready to pounce, I'd say it does want to kill her.<br /><br />You might consider starting the story with her actually hunting the savannah rats so you can work in your excellent description that way, and then she could spot the cougar, who spots her.<br /><br />But that's just my take on it! I wish you the best of luck!Lindsey R. Louckshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16905479544791130030noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-88230414470578951402012-02-18T12:02:56.919-08:002012-02-18T12:02:56.919-08:00Thanks for you comments and helpful suggestions.Thanks for you comments and helpful suggestions.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-39465079213668192162012-02-18T11:46:49.533-08:002012-02-18T11:46:49.533-08:00I love the tone of this and it sounds like an exci...I love the tone of this and it sounds like an exciting read. Anything set in Africa is awesome. Have you ever red Mara ad Dann by Doris Lessing? One of my faves. Anyway, this has some great voice and is very strong.<br /><br />The only thing you might want to consider changing is the length of your sentences in a couple places. This is such an action-filled scene, very high tension, and some of the lovely descriptions tend to bog down the pace here. For example: "Though my hands trembled with trepidation, I hesitated to shoot the imposing creature I’d accidentally run into while hunting savannah rats." I would cut everything after 'shoot' here just to keep us focused on the moment.Shell Flowerhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08127004188099765270noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-8462654263895289732012-02-17T14:26:32.028-08:002012-02-17T14:26:32.028-08:00It's a fantasyIt's a fantasyAlicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-54963938512905003672012-02-17T14:26:11.299-08:002012-02-17T14:26:11.299-08:00Thanks. Description is my strength. I have to work...Thanks. Description is my strength. I have to work hard on characterization.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-1376087624540659942012-02-17T14:24:31.822-08:002012-02-17T14:24:31.822-08:00Interesting premise! Is this fantasy or about a re...Interesting premise! Is this fantasy or about a real royal family? Either way, I think agents will eat it up.Sharon Baylisshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17361550815860670756noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-77076901041914522392012-02-17T11:11:57.713-08:002012-02-17T11:11:57.713-08:00The texturing and descriptive writing really draw ...The texturing and descriptive writing really draw you in. Beautiful writing.Anya Millarhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01194982800130061746noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-19787395673150847582012-02-17T10:25:17.742-08:002012-02-17T10:25:17.742-08:00Incredible description and word painting! Nice jo...Incredible description and word painting! Nice job!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-23987900108337412692012-02-17T09:28:51.948-08:002012-02-17T09:28:51.948-08:00I love your descriptive language and the setting.I love your descriptive language and the setting.Carrie-Annehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05810154378449825641noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-66613760918242541792012-02-17T08:56:50.424-08:002012-02-17T08:56:50.424-08:00This is great! Your descriptions are beautiful. :)...This is great! Your descriptions are beautiful. :)Bethany Elizabethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12829932931010851406noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-25149843089703706932012-02-17T08:28:34.302-08:002012-02-17T08:28:34.302-08:00Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments.Thanks everyone. I appreciate your comments.Alicehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09210398194494998143noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-47749899715207301212012-02-16T19:32:26.778-08:002012-02-16T19:32:26.778-08:00Favorite line - "...had dug myself into deep ...Favorite line - "...had dug myself into deep dung." (been there!)<br /><br />Beautiful!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-71901759328968560952012-02-16T17:55:04.867-08:002012-02-16T17:55:04.867-08:00This was as great now as the first time I read it ...This was as great now as the first time I read it (although I can't remember which blog related thing it was for now, lol). I really have no helpful suggestions, except that you help me;) Really wonderful!!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2088065800916913901.post-20770057294538441492012-02-16T14:38:05.006-08:002012-02-16T14:38:05.006-08:00Wow, this was gripping!Wow, this was gripping!Nicole Zoltackhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07464800543376449290noreply@blogger.com